10 Steps to the one-pack of your dreams!

So, you want to achieve that much sought-after look, the classic one-pack! The smooth, rounded-belly look that clearly marks you out as a low achiever. Well, it’s not as hard as you might imagine. But, just to make doubly sure you don’t slip up and veer off the straight and narrow, I’ve put together a cunning, can’t-go-wrong guide, a 10-point plan to ensure you get the belly you’ve always wanted!

By the time you’ve finished reading this I can guarantee you’ll be fully equipped to create your very own one-pack, a lovely soft, rounded midsection that will make you look like you’re about seven months pregnant. Or, alternatively, you’ll be determined to never allow that to happen, because you’ll finally see how drastically easy it can be … so easy in fact, that you don’t even need to try.

Everyone wants a six-pack! Suckers!

Oh, I know you’ve been bombarded with information about the supposedly wonderful six-pack, but what’s so special about that? Isn’t 1 the simplest and most wonderful number? The best of everything is the Number 1, right? And ask any mathematician and he’ll tell you zero is just about the perfect number. We wouldn’t have a workable system of mathematics without it.

The Romans tried and they somehow muddled along with their Roman numeral system of Xs and Vs and whatnot, a system that clearly lacked a zero, and look where that got them! Okay, they did achieve a few things of note, it has to be said … they came up with the first concrete, impressive buildings, aqueducts bringing fresh water from miles away, underfloor central heating, communal baths, organised government, a system of education, military might, total domination over the known world, and a few other odds and ends, but nothing you could really call ‘major’ :/ … oh, okay … probably not such a good example.

And anyway, the zero is round and perfect, just like the classic one-pack … it has no beginning and no end. It’s eternal, like the Universe itself. So by seeking to achieve a similar roundness you’re actually paying homage to the Universe. So get over it!

Now that we’ve dealt with all the objections, let’s move on … let’s take a look at Step 1 of these carefully arranged 10 steps …

10 steps … to gain the midsection you deserve!

Step 1:  Okay, for a start, you don’t need to do anything. That’s right, the first step is to do nothing. Got that? Nothing whatsoever. Don’t, whatever you do, have any kind of plan or goal. Don’t take action. Don’t intend anything. Don’t aim for anything. Just allow yourself to drift … that’s right, just drift peacefully along, without a care in the world, like a leaf on a stream …. drifting along … and just let the wind take you where it will. Just give yourself to the whim of the Universe and allow it to happen to you. That’s Step 1.

Now, you have to face it, that was even easier than you thought, am I right? Let’s move on … oh, first take a look at that guy up there on the right … he’s trying, but to be honest he’s got very little to show for his efforts. Give it time, son!

Step 2:  Eat whatever you like! Yayy … now you’re talkin’! This is what I call a diet plan! You can eat whatever you like, whenever you like, no limits. You can go back for seconds after every meal if you like, and pile it so high on your plate that it’s spillin’ over the sides. You got a problem with that? Hey, just get bigger plates! See? That’s how easy it is to get around problems with this ‘plan’! I’ve thought of everything. Stick to it and you just can’t go wrong!

Step 3: This one’s easy … don’t bother exercising! Okay, you’re confused? Let me make it even easier, if you can’t quite manage that – don’t bother having any kind of exercise plan. There, that’s better! More achievable. Obviously, if you’re like most people, you’ll want to do some exercise, at least from time to time, but the key thing to keep in mind is to do it aimlessly. Don’t stick to a plan, or better still don’t even have one. You can even exercise like a maniac, if you must, as long as you do it intermittently and haphazardly. That way you can rest assured it will have practically no effect on your physique.

I mean, look at Arnold Schwarzenegger and all those other top bodybuilders … they got that way by slavishly sticking to a set routine and a proper diet plan. What kind of life is that?? Be careful not to let yourself start down that route! It’s a slippery slope to success!

This poor guy on the left, he a perfect example of someone going about it all wrong … he’s been working out and watching his diet and all that stuff, and no matter how often he checks he’s just not gaining the nice rounded shape he’s after. Sad, really …

Step 4:  Have the right mental attitude. And by that I mean you should expect nothing (which is exactly what you’ll get), and assume you’ll get nowhere (which is also true). Hold fast to this attitude in the face of any urge to think to the contrary. I mean, from time to time, let’s be realistic here, you’ll almost certainly be tempted to think how you might get in shape one of these days, or how your future might actually be quite successful, y’know, that kind of thing.

Whoa! Stop right there! Put an immediate halt to that train of thought! Just don’t entertain thoughts like that for any longer than you must! It’s the first step on that ol’ slippery slope I mentioned earlier. If you’re not careful, before long you’ll find yourself going in quite the opposite direction and getting healthier, shedding unwanted fat, and becoming fitter and more muscular. Then where will you be in your quest for the elusive one-pack, huh? So stop and think … make sure you don’t give in to any temptation to indulge in positive and creative thinking. Remember, that can only lead to success and fulfillment.

Now … feast your eyes on that fine specimen on the right. There’s a man who’s finally attained the elusive one-pack. And doesn’t he look magnificent??

Step 5:  Indulge yourself! And hey, I mean at every opportunity! I mean, look … if someone offers you a piece of cake, help yourself to a second piece as soon the opportunity arises (and be creative here, I mean, actually sneak a second piece if you have to, okay?) If you wake up in the middle of the night, say two or three o’clock, don’t just go to the bathroom, crawl back in bed, and go back to sleep. No, that’s for wimps! Head straight for the kitchen, make yourself a nice, hearty snack (and for ‘snack’, read ‘meal’), and turn on the TV. You can rest assured there’ll be plenty to watch as you while away an hour or two (interspersed with further snacks of course, as the urge takes you). And if there’s nothing worth watching on TV, settle for the infomercials – they’re always good for a laugh!

You can see all the new gadgets that are available nowadays for people who want a six-pack, and laugh yourself silly at how misguided those suckers are. I mean, do they really think any of them will achieve anything? It’s hard enough doing the necessary exercises and sticking to a proper diet, without expecting a cheap toy to seal the deal, right? Hah, gimme a break!

Oh, by the way, these regular interruptions to your sleep pattern should put paid to any plans you might still have lingering in your subconscious. Once your sleep becomes erratic, you can rest assured any progress you might have been making will come to a screeching halt. Yesss! Ree-sult!

Step 6:  Appreciate life! That’s right, enjoy it! Hey, life’s for living, right? Who says it’s right to think about tomorrow, when there’s so much uncertainty in the world. Just look around … economic uncertainty, political turmoil, terrorism, climate change … hey, it’s a jungle out there. We might all be dead tomorrow, right? So let’s live a little!

Once you start focusing on the future, and creating images in your mind of all the good things that might come about, you’re just setting yourself up for disappointment on a grand scale. And it ain’t gonna come! You know as well as I do that all that pie-in-the-sky stuff never really gets you anywhere. So why set yourself up for a fall. Just have fun right now, and to hell with tomorrow.

Step 7:  Depend on evolution to provide everything you need! Yeah, that’s right! We developed over countless generations to the point we don’t need to make any effort anymore. At the flick of a switch we’ve got light, we turn on a tap, we’ve got water, we jab a finger at the remote and we’re watching re-runs of stuff we laughed at twenty or thirty years ago, and we’re still laughing. Life’s good! And evolution got us here. It took ages for evolution to develop this level of laziness and irresponsibility, so why fight the inevitable? Let’s just enjoy it!

If you’re serious about getting that one-pack, the last thing you want to do now is rock the boat. You don’t want to take any personal responsibility and try to better yourself in any way at all. Evolution already took care of everything. It’s a done deal! Settle for that and just stop bitchin’. Just peel the lid off another Pot Noodle and get on with life.

Hey, you can boil a kettle, right? Just checkin’! See, this is one of the benefits of evolution, like I was talking about. We don’t even have to waste time cooking anymore – all we gotta do is peel the lid, splash in some boiling water, wait five minutes, and hey presto, job done! Why complicate life worrying about proteins, carbs and all that hoo-hah, just stir’n’go, that’s my motto! And don’t fall for all that crap about there being more nutritional value in the packaging that in the pot, that’s just the kind of garbage they wheel out every time they want to get you roped into some dopey fitness routine. Take my advice, watch out for that one!

Oh, and a little extra tip: keep an eye out for the yummy new flavours. They’re so good you’ll soon forget what real food actually tastes like!

To be perfectly honest (and absolutely factual), evolution is one the best things ever invented. It’s right up there with Facebook. Ever since Darwin had that flash of inspiration while out walking his dog (a beagle, I think it was) … ever since then things have improved dramatically. We’ve changed out of all proportion. As you know, our ancestors, before Darwin’s time, lived in the trees and were basically chimps. They had no internet access, no social networks, and frankly no life to speak of, unless you class picking fleas off each others’ backs as entertainment. Sad to think … life must have been tedious, to say the least. No television, no internet, no Facebook … no wonder chimps always look bored!

And speaking of looking bored, take a look at Darwin over there on the right – he invented evolution yet Pot Noodle was still way off in the future … no wonder he looked so miserable!

Anyway, thanks to his snappy invention, things changed rapidly. Within a matter of years we had not only come down from the trees and invented farming, but quickly went on to invent science, which obviously brought with it the wonders of the wi-fi age. Evolution raced ahead at a breakneck speed even Darwin couldn’t have dreamt of. And since then, of course, we’ve had no real reason to get off the couch.

Which brings us neatly to Step 8 – another pitfall, if you’re not too careful. This time it’s all about checking things carefully. An action typical of a person still not yet fully evolved!

Step 8:  Just stop checking everything! Jeez … it’s just gonna drive you mad, all that checking things. Just stop it! Sure, you’ll gain a tiny weeny bit when you overeat, a microgram or somethin’, or when you go another 24 hours without doing any exercise whatsoever. But be realistic – you’d need an electron microscope to see it, or something out of CERN (wherever the hell that is!). Anyway, so what? It’s gonna make a difference? Only if you take the long view.

If you do that you’ll just see that the weight creeps on imperceptibly, and you gradually lose your ability to fully enjoy life. You’ll see yourself getting old before your time, losing your mobility, getting out of shape, and how’s that gonna make you feel? Lousy, that’s how!

And you’ll probably see yourself in twenty years time barely able to drag yourself up off the couch, maybe depending on using a walking stick, or even a walking frame, just to get around. You’ll see that aches and pains will become the norm and you’ll have forgotten how wonderful life can be. Who wants to see all that stuff? It’s depressing! Take my advice and focus one hundred percent on today.

Live for today, ain’t that what they say? They’re right, trust me. Carpe diem! Fish of the day! It’s a motto to live by. Live for the moment. Just enjoy yourself and pile your plate high. Sit on that couch till it bears such a realistic impression of your heaving frame that it’s totally and completely comfortable, and practically wraps itself round you like a warm caress. Ahhh … feels good, yeah? You bet!

Step 9: Nearly at the end of our 10 steps. Now hey, pay attention to the science! Energy can neither be created nor destroyed … isn’t that what they say? So we’re all going to live forever, in one form or another. We die, we get roborn, into another life, another dimension, whatever. One way or another, we just go on. So why bother with all that fitness stuff? Who cares, really? We’re all eternal … life just goes on … chill, man! We’re all here for the long haul. Maybe in a future life you can focus on fitness, if that’s really what floats your boat, but for now, just take it easy. You’ve got a whole lifetime ahead of you.

And you really have. Don’t mess it up struggling to get fit, or to improve yourself. You were born truly amazing, let’s just accept that. No point in trying to improve on perfection. One of these days, it’s gonna be your last, we all know that. In the meantime, why make a big deal about your health? We all die anyway, accept it and move on. What, you wanna win the Olympia or somethin’? Hah! Stop, you’re killin’ me! Next you’ll be telling me you have ambitions to be a big star or the governor of California or somethin’!

Step 10: Time’s passing, your life’s ticking away, tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock, that’s what they’d have you believe, right? Jeez …  are they actively trying to depress you? Don’t listen to any of that bull – you’ve got years ahead of you, and it’s all good. As if all that fitness stuff’s gonna make any difference anyway! Is it gonna make you live forever? Is it gonna keep you off the operating table? Is it gonna make you feel young again? Pfff! Whatever …

If you believe all the hype these fitness freaks keep scaring you with you’ll never have a moment’s peace. They’d have you training every day, deep breathing, stretching, running, skipping, who-knows-what-else … when you supposed to live, that’s what I’d like to know? Huh?

Just relax and take it easy. Stop killing yourself, we’re all gonna die anyway, and who the hell wants to be the fittest guy in the cemetery? Don’t listen to a word they say! Just chill, and let life take care of itself.

There, that’s my 10-point plan to get yourself a perfectly formed one-pack. All 10 steps laid out for you in some detail. And if you follow it carefully, I can assure you you’ll soon be busting out of your well-fitting clothes and ready to buy some stretch pants. ‘Cos they’re the only ones you’ll be able to use. Trust me on that!